The Big Silvercowski
by war hippy fatigues
Summary: Silver tries his hardest to find that gosh darned Iblis trigger.
1. Chapter 1

Silver the porcupine landed on the ground. The air was no longer fiery and full of fire, but clean and pristine. The sky was blue, birds were chirping, and there were no giant red birds or worms popping out of nowhere to attack him.

He had done it! He had successfully sent himself back into the past, before Iblis destroyed the world. Now he just had to find the Iblis trigger.

Silver walked over to a trash can, and lifted it up with his psychic telekinetic psychokinesis powers.

"Do you know anything about the IBLIS TRIGGER, trash can?" Silver yelled. When there was no response, he began rapidly shaking it back and forth.

"Woah, check it out, dude," a nearby lackadaisical teenager said. "That giant pot leaf is harassing a trash can."

"You just said pot," his friend added.

Silver turned around and dropped the trash can in shock. "HOLY COW!" Silver said. "REAL PEOPLE! Can YOU help me find the Iblis trigger?"

"Uh, sure, dork. Can you tell us what it looks like?"

"Why would I need to do that?" Silver asked.

"So we can like, help you find it or something, buttmunch."

"Well, it looks like a BLUE hedgehog, and he likes to go really, really fast, and he's also responsible for DESTROYING THE WORLD!"

"Uh, I think you're talking about that Sega Genesis character, dude?"

"I KNEW IT!" Silver shouted. "The SEGA GENESIS! I'll find it right away!"

Silver jumped up and flew away into the distance.


	2. Chapter 2

In the middle of probably Arlen, Texas, four men were standing in front of a fence. They each had a fresh can of beer, and every now and then, one of them would take a sip from it.

"Eyup."

Just then, a giant psychic hedgehog flew right next to them.

"Have any of you seen the SEGA GENESIS?!" Silver asked.

"Dangolmanthemcrazyolhedgehogsdangoldangolcrazyradiationmanthatwildlifeisgoingcrazyman," Boomhauer said.

"Dale, am I going crazy, or is that a giant white anteater talking to us?" Hank asked.

" **You're not crazy,** " Robo-Dale said.

Silver waved his hands in the air like he just didn't care. "You guys gotta help me find the Iblis trigger!"

"Well, I don't know of any Iblis triggers in our little community here," Hank said. "Dallas, on the other hand..."

"Sallad," Bill whispered, his eyes filled with the flames of disaster.

"It's a blue hedgehog who likes to travel quickly!" Silver said. "And he lives in a Sega Genesis!"

"If I know my Japanese right, Sega means 'infomercial'. So what you're looking for is an infomercial Bible. I'd check out Billy Mays' place if I were you," Dale said.

"GREAT!" Silver shouted, and flew away in the distance.

"Dale, you don't even speak Japanese," Hank said, a frown forming on his face.

"Believe it!" Dale said.


	3. Chapter 4

Silver turned on the TV. There was a wave of static that suddenly dissolved into the image of a grinning blue hedgehog.

"Kids, you're not important. You're not cool. You're dumb," the figure on the TV said. "No one likes you. If you have a problem learning how to read, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's too bad. So what do you do? First, you drink liquor. Then, you touch a police officer!"

The blue hedgehog scurried away, and the screen began showing a bunch of advertisements.

"iCarly versus Predator, up next..."

Silver got up, a look of abject horror on his face. He had thought the Iblis trigger was bad, but he had never imagined him to be such a horrible example of depraved debauchery.

"Holy flaming basketballs, Batman!" Silver said. "We have to stop him before it's too late!"

Silver and Robin ran down to the Anthony-Sullivanmobile and sped away. They quickly hit 88 miles per hour or your money back and began going back in time, all the way to a time when Homestuck didn't suck.


	4. Chapter 9

Silver stood next to a plane in a desolate field, holding his belt like some kind of cowboy.

 _Man, why am I doing this stupid cowboy pose? I bet I look like a total prick._

A jeep slowly drove its way over to Silver. One man was driving it, and it carried several other figures, some covered by dark sacks on their heads.

"Dr Robotnik, I'm Silver," Silver said, handing a briefcase to one of the goons in the truck. In exchange, Eggman was forced over to his men.

 _Man, why did I bother saying that? He already knows who I am._

"He wasn't alone," Middle Aged Man said, gesturing to the other tied up men.

"Uhh, you don't get to bring friends," Silver said, laughing nervously. _God, that was such a lame comeback. I must look like a total idiot right now._

"They are not my friends," Eggman muttered, being forced into the plane.

"Don't worry, no charge for them," Middle Aged Man said.

"And why would I want them?" Silver asked. _Why did I say that? Obviously there is a reason why I would want them, he just hasn't told me it yet._

"They were trying to grab your prize. They work for the mercenary. The hedgehogga man."

"SONIC?" _Why did that come out so weird?_

"Aye," Middle Aged Man whispered. _Or was he saying 'I', like 'No, I'm the hedgehog, not those guys.'_

"Get 'em on board, I'll call it in." _Like I'm actually going to call anyone about this. What a waste of time that would be._

Silver got in the plane and had his men secure the other hostages. They took off. Once they were at altitude, Silver walked to the center aisle of the jet.

"The flight plan I just filed with the agency lists me, my men, Dr Robotnik here, but only ONE OF YOU!" Silver took out a gun and pulled one of the thingies that made a clicking sound, and hoped the tied up men would take that as a warning and not a sign that he had never used firearms before. He then motioned to a guard, who opened a door on the plane. "FIRST ONE TO TALK, GETS TO STAY ON MY AIRCRAFT!"

One of the tied up thugs was dragged near the door, and Silver swaggered next to him. "WHO PAID YOU TO GRAB DR ROBOTNIK?!" When the thug didn't respond, Silver shot the air next to him. "HE DIDN'T FLY SO GOOD, WHO WANTS TO TRY NEXT?!" _Seriously, 'didn't fly so good'? I am so out of my element._

Another thug was dragged over. "TELL ME ABOUT SONIC! WHY DOES HE USE THE SPINDASH?!" Again, no response. "A LOTTA LOYALTY FOR A HIRED GUN!" _God, I just keep running my mouth..._

"Or perhaps he's wondering why someone would try and use the thundershoot, when in power formation." The voice was incredibly loud, as if the volume had been messed up by some audio mixing intern, and came from one of the thugs that hadn't been interrogated yet.

"A-at least you can talk," Silver mumbled. "Who are you?"

"It doesn't matter who we are. What matters is the Chao garden."

Silver slowly pulled off the black sack, revealing blue spines, and the face of a giant anthropomorphic hedgehog.

"No one cared who I was until I started competing with Nintendo," Sonic said.

"If I took your rings would you die?" Silver said. _Why did I say that? What does that have to do with anything?_

"It would be extremely gnarly."

"Y-you're a big guy."

"For you." _What?_

"Was getting caught part of your plan?" Silver asked. _Uh, yeah, of course it was, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation._

"Totally, dude! Dr Robotnik refused our offer in favor of yours. We had to find out what he told you."

"I didn't say anything, you miserable excuse for a Saturday morning cartoon!" Eggman shouted.

Silver stood there for a moment. "Well congratulations, you got yourself caught! Now what's the next step of your master plan?"

"Crashing this lame plane, with no survivors. I mean, talk about a low budget flight, with no food or movies!"

Then some really stupid stuff happened and Silver got thrown out of the plane and lost a life.


	5. Chapter 20

Deep inside of the smoldering volcano, Sonic had been cornered. Silver, Quentin Tarantino, Fozzie Bear, and that terrible actress from the new Silent Hill movie advanced forward. Not even all of those Eggman's robots could stop them. They had come to far to lose. The fate of the world was at stake.

"Well, I never thought you guys would ever get this far. You've got me in a pretty bad jam here," Sonic said.

"Woah," Miles 'Neo' Prower said. "My head's spinning."

"But I still have one last trick up my sleeve. You may have taken my speed away from me, but I still have one power I can call upon. The power of buttrock!"

Just then, the deafening sound of a cheesy 80's pop signer flooded the room.

"WHAT COMES UP MUST COME DOWN YET MY FEET CAN'T TOUCH THE GROUND-"

"IT'S SUCH A BAD SIGN-"

"IN THIS WORLD HIS WOOOOOOORLD WHERE OOOOOOONE IS ALL-"

The shockwaves forced Silver and his companions back. Silver tried to fight it with his psychokinetic powers, but failed to push the buttrock back.

"It's no use!" Silver exclaimed. "We're done for."

"No... there is another option," Tarantino said. "There's only one thing that's powerful enough to defeat buttrock."

"But we swore we'd never use that!"

"It's too late for promises! It's now or never. Use it!"

Silver took a deep breath, and reached deep inside himself. The horrible power that gnawed at his mind was yearning to be free, but now he knew that it was the time to release it.

"Alright. I promised never to do this, but it's too late for that. I call upon the power of vaporwave!"

A purple wave exploded outward and collided with the heavy consumerist pop songs that were pushing forward.

"ARGH! Vaporwave?! There's no way you could have mastered that power!" Sonic yelled.

The purple wave reformed itself into a bunch of VHS tapes, which grew into a sphere that surrounded Sonic. The sphere began collapsing inward, despite Sonic's growing efforts to fight it off. But without Crush 40 to aid him, he could no longer resist the power of the 80's meme movement. The VHS tapes crushed him into a tiny ball.

Silver gave a great sigh of relief. The battle for the future was finally over. They had won.

* * *

Meanwhile, on a rich tropical island resort, the cast of Freedom Planet patted themselves on the back for having made a decent game in the last five years.


End file.
